HUMOUR M.E.

 

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE M.E. WHEN… 

You know you have ME when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

ME is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you have ME when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. With ME, it will avoid you.

You know you have ME when getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

You know you have ME when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

You know you have ME when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

You know you have ME when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news — the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”

“The bad news is that I owe you an apology…”

You know you have ME when you know how to spell gastroenterologist, chiropractor, etc.

You know you have ME when you go to make toast and nothing happens. You’ve plugged in the can opener.

You know you have ME when you say to your wife, “Good morning, Mary”…and her name is Sharon.

You know you have ME when you have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You know you have ME when you become exhausted from the effort to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

You know you have ME when you forget your twin sister’s birthday.

You know you have ME when you realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You know you have ME when you put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You know you have ME when you realize the marriage vows you took about sickness and health meant HIS sickness not YOURS.

You know you have ME when you have to take a nap because chewing your dinner wore you out.

You know you have ME when you have trouble adding single digit numbers.

You know you have ME when you get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you’re up, you might as well go to bed.

You know you have ME when one of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot-water bottle.

You know you have ME when everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

You know you have ME when you reach the toilet, but forgot what you wanted to do.

You know you have ME when you can’t finish a conversation, because you don’t remember what you were talking about.

You know you have ME when your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

You know you have ME when you have to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

You know you have ME when Medicare states that you’re too sick for their coverage.

You know you have ME when everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don’t want you behind the wheel.

You know you have ME when a passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

You know you have ME when people are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you’re breathing.

You know you have ME when you know “where it’s at”, but forgot why it’s there.

You know you have ME when at 25, your colleagues that are 15+ years your senior and have kids, manage to do more on the weekends than you.

You know you have ME when you get the vacuum out because, by golly, today’s the day your going to DO SOMETHING, and then you have to lay down and get hubby to put the stupid thing away. Unused.

You know you have ME when you don’t have to buy books anymore. You simply re-read the books you have because you can’t remember what you’ve already read.

You know you have ME because it’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

You know you have ME when you wear out your pajamas before you do your pantyhose.

You know you have ME when you can’t remember your children’s names. Or your own.

You know you have ME when you can crash your computer just by touching it.

You know you have ME when you don’t call people back because you’re not sure they called.

You know you have ME when you put the coffee pot in the microwave and your cold coffee cup into the coffee maker.

You know you have ME when you call your kids by your pets’ names and your pets by your kids’ names.

You know you have ME when you can’t remember any of the funny stupid things you do when you sit down to write them….
——————————————————————————–

And from the FMS side, Kathleen Scott adds”You know you have Fibro Fog when . . .”

You boil the kettle dry three times to get one cup of tea.

You read a note you wrote to yourself to pay a bill, and you wonder who the heck is Bill.

You call the school twice, to let them know your child is at home sick.

You can’t disconnect the dishwasher from the kitchen tap, because you didn’t turn the water off first to release the pressure.

You read 100 e-mails from your online support group, then realize you’re in the trash folder.

You feed the dog twice, because she has learned how to trick you into thinking you forgot.

I have done all of the above.

Bill Jackson, © 1998-2001. Edited for M.E. by Zarii
Any comments? Send them to Bill Jackson at cfsdays@yahoo.com

M.E. ’AINT LARFIN’… Sumfink from da cynic…Are drug giant Pfizer waxing Lyrica-l with their latest Fibromyalgia drug Lyrica? We’ve all been told our imaginary illness is all in our minds - and now they have a pill for something that doesn’t exist, eh?  Oh, come on…talk about adding insult to f’ing injury!  Next, the GP’s will be shovelling it out like candy to all us waste of space Fibro fibbers!  So don’t be too amazed when your ‘ol Doc starts telling you, you were just imagining it was all in your mind…it is suddenly very real, just like his commission… Naughty M.E. Z

In Breaking News:

Plans are underway to help the severely tired save vital energy drug midget Pfizzler said at a press conference in La-la land yesterday… A spookspixi said, “That’s right, we are about to flood this niche market with our new SBGI’s - these cheese & onion flavoured capsules will stem the production of hair and nail growth in the human body, thus saving the sufferer precious wasted energy physically producing these biological waste products.”  SBGI’s - Surplace Body Growth Inhibitors by Pfizzler. Expected to retail around  $500 for a pack of 7, non-subsidised, this medical breakthrough will be gratefully received by the Infected.  Side effects - weight gain, rectal itching and patchy baldness but who cares, you’re all lazy gits anyway. Z.

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